——很多时候，猛然意识到，对自己的名字都有些陌生。

每当生日来临，就会想起很多事，忆起很多人，做出一些具有象征意义的举动。

还记得18岁生日，刚进大学，那片小树林、桔灯、小蛋糕和游戏，还有新认识的一群好友。伙计们，谢谢你们，因为至今我仍认为那是很美好的成人仪式。

还记得19岁生日，雨夜里去打开水，穿着棉拖鞋踩在潮湿的路面，亲爱的V在身边紧张地报告自己的学业进展，还送过来一只粉红色的小绒熊。

还记得20岁生日，V在宿舍楼下，怀里抱着大大的蛋糕……

晚上去蛋糕店买了一只小抹茶奶油蛋糕，坐在店堂里慢慢吃。虽然是要纪念与现在异地的老友之间的传统，但仍很幸福地有新朋友陪伴。

明天，正式的生日，我们还有更美好的安排。

不用想，我是很幸运的。

10月24日，回杭州拍毕业证件照。回来后发现还是喜欢南方的气候，遂暂时断了回北京的念头。

半月大事小结：1.护送荣升准妈妈的E回家，去了一趟义乌；2.花了一千多块钱，终于在某本杂志上发表了一篇文章；3.看完了英剧Doctor Who。

第一件事，义乌行。它让我对自己的感知能力产生了深深的怀疑：我看到的城市，为何与电视节目中的相比，差别如此之大？暑假时在家里，碰巧看了一辑节目，介绍义乌如何从“鸡毛换糖”的小生意发展为如今“世界上最大的小商品物流中心”。节目中的义乌，是那么的宽旷和整洁；不可避免地，长途巴士到站时，睁开朦胧睡眼的我又遭到了“reality shock”。灰蒙蒙的城市，脏乱的街道，间或有高耸的大楼。若不是街边店铺的招牌上频频出现的韩语和阿拉伯语，这里与一般的县城没什么两样。

第二件事，不大光彩，懒得记了。

第三件事，先贴张图。

向E推荐了美剧Stargate Atlantis后，E反推荐的英剧Doctor Who。不得不承认，就这两部星际探险科幻剧而言，英国人做得更细腻。“美剧里所有的外星人都是美国人，都讲英语，星球也大多是地球一样的；英剧里的外星人各种各样的，还有外星语。”E的原话：）

当然，我又不得不承认，这部剧仍旧是“幻”强于“科”。该剧中的大英雄——Doctor，是原Gallifery星球居民Time Lord族中最后一位。他的族人原本都拥有不死之身——临近死亡时，他们可以重生，改头换面重新做人；于是就有了第一至第十任博士。上方图片中的两位，各是两任博士啦！

是的，我还在北京。

隔三差五就有家人和朋友问我：“咦，你怎么还在北京哦？”每次被问到，我就习惯地一笑了之。这就是人文学科的好处，不用做实验，哪怕论文没写完，也敢在自己学校以外的地方呆着。

从月初到现在，看原著、原文评论集和国人论文，论文似乎有些进展，但似乎又毫无进展。问题的症结也是人文学科的坏处：思来辨去，读来引去，最终提出的议题却没有标准答案。

看书做笔记之余，就上淘宝网，买小东西；当然是看得多，买得少。看着看着，偶尔想到，淘宝一出，快递繁荣，这网购不知给社会提供了多少个工作岗位啊，政府该给马云颁个社会奉献奖了……

昨晚赶场子，去听了外研社在人大开的招聘宣讲会。去的人不算多，但觊觎英文编辑这碗饭的人不少——还有其他专业的。宣讲会之前，我已抱着试试看的态度投了一份简历。回来后，心情沉重了不少，上网搜了搜外研社笔试和面试的题透。结论是：管理或市场，没有我的份！还是老老实实地争取做编辑吧，不然就得干翻译，或者下海了。

另，上班肯定会累的。前天和昨天，连续穿了两天中跟皮鞋，脚底就被硌得很痛，今天套了一天运动鞋，在勉强缓过来。我想，要么就是我太娇气，要么就是影视作品里那些穿着套装高跟鞋轻施脂粉满面春风叱咤职场的女性形象都只是艺术创作——当然我更倾向于接受后者。

昨夜梦见自己在睡觉，身边躺着自己的孩子——襁褓中安详地睡着的小宝宝，未曾见过，但梦中的我很自然地认为它就是我的孩子；还没有想到辨清它的性别，所以也不知是“他”还是“她”——我充满爱意地看着它甜美的脸，拉过它胖胖的小手，轻轻亲吻。

接着我就醒了。醒来后，又是一天的工作，但心里始终空空的，仿佛我的孩子不见了似的，虽然它只是我梦里的孩子。

下班回学校，途中要换车。等车时，旁边一个中年男人带着一个五六岁左右的小男孩，还有一棵五彩缤纷的圣诞树。看来这是两父子刚采购圣诞节用品结束，准备回家呢。这时天气很好，淡蓝色的空中，有两架喷气飞机在练飞，后面拉着长长的白练。小男孩问：“爸爸，为什么飞机的白带子只是一头动，另外一头却不动呢？”孩子啊，总是会认真地问这样傻又可爱的问题。中年男人其实长相很凶，矮短身材，脸上皮肤还凹凸不平，但回答孩子时一点也不凶：“当然另一头不能动啦，你想……”他们一边谈论着，一边坐上刚拦下的出租车走了，可能想早些回到家，不想等迟迟不肯出现的公交车了。

下了公交车后，我一个人沿着校门口的草坪走着，喷气飞机仍旧在天上自由地翻飞，夕阳的光依旧柔和，头脑里梦中孩子的形象依旧清晰。突然间，想起自己的妈妈，在看着吻着自己时，肯定也是那种安宁祥和而又充满慈爱的心境。想着想着，身边来来往往过着行人，于是热泪盈眶……

父母之爱，即使遥隔千山万水，历久弥新，永远都是那么轻而易举地触动心底最柔软的部分。

Close your eyes, have no fear,

The monster has gone, it’s on the run,

And your dad is here.

Beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful boy--

----John Lenon

夜里22点整，E为我打开了寝室门。

终于回来了。一路上的严寒冷风，真把我折磨得够呛。再次确认，我已经厌倦了独自漂泊。

S，看到你的回复了。我绝对没有半点责怪之意，计划总赶不上变化，现实总要求梦想做妥协，这些我都是深悉且承认的。所以，千万不要因此多想。提到那段共同做梦的岁月，更多的还是因为怀念年少迷茫而又冲动的感觉。

或许，是时候需要静一静了。

去年去了一次南京，今年自然也要去了。因为那里有我热爱的人，可她们都想不起来杭州来看我，于是我只能上门去延续我和好友一年一聚的传统了。

明早九点多出发，下午三点多才能到，又是漫长的摇晃。渐渐地，厌倦了独自漂泊，当年对背包旅游的热情，尤其在与S共处的时光结束后越发淡去。这次去南京，虽然决定逗留两三天，但是出游观光的计划是一个也不想做。只想见见人，聊聊天。那段年少飞扬的心情，开始冬眠。

是否老得太早？

1.对自己最想说的话是什麽？
振作点吧！

2.2008年最难过的事是?
地震。 

3.什么时候你会感到孤单?
经常。

4.如果有很多钱,想怎么花?
太空旅游。

5.最想为爱的人做的事是什么?
做他最喜欢吃和最应该吃的菜把他填饱，再监督他洗碗擦桌子扫地。

6.有压力了怎么缓解?
哭。虽然有时也大吃，但吃的功效比哭低太多了。

7.最受不了自己哪个缺点?
拖拉。

8.遇到喜欢的人，你是勇敢表白还是默默关注?
表白。

9.最喜欢哪里的什么美食，理由?
家里。胃是永远恋家的。

10.说出点你名的人的3个优点？
可爱，热情，甜蜜。

11.对点你名的人的第一印象是怎样的?
答案同上题。

12.你最希望从朋友（不包括爱人）那里得到的是什么?
理解，交流。

13.什么样的人会让你视为知己?
知我者。

14.如果爱人背叛你怎么办?
即使舍不得也要走开。

15.最值得回忆的事是什么？
太多，请继续关注本博。

16.推荐一部最近喜欢的电视、电影、小说或书?
电视：《丑女贝蒂》
电影：《Kingdom of Heaven》
书：《海伦娜的奇迹》

17.预备去哪个城市长住？
还没想好。

18.未来三年有什么打算？
毕业，跟着男人跑（如果男人不甩我的话）。

19.如果现在可以让你随心所欲去旅行，你想去哪?
北欧（虽然最近中欧局势紧张）。

20.你希望你的伴侣或未来的伴侣会不会做饭?
会。我可不希望自己的优秀厨艺沦为家庭生活的必须品。

21.你是一个会妥协的人吗?
不大会。

22.如果可以重来,你最想改变的是什么？
重来的时间起点在哪里？我能改变任何我想改变的条件吗？

23.觉得自己是个自恋的人么?
确实是，又确实不是。

24.你理想的伴侣应该具备什么样的品质?
聪明又务实，忠诚且浪漫。

25.你最讨厌的人,你会怎样去对待?
我很少持续多年地讨厌某个人。

26.爱情中最重要的是什么?
陪伴。

27.觉得自己最大的优点是什么?
倔强。优点即缺点。

28.想过要是找不到真爱，自己愿意独身一人吗?
不愿意。真爱肯定能找到的，据说世上和自己相配的至少有2万人。我要继续找。

29.最欣赏的一句话？
得失寸心知。

30.经济条件是你选择爱人的必要条件吗？
不是。

31.喜欢什么样的爱情模式? 一见钟情呢还是日久生情?
一见钟情后，情又在日子中沉淀增长。

32.你现在最害怕的事是什么?
写不好毕业论文。

33.最喜欢什么样的生活方式?
轻松自在。

34.你觉得住大房子,开好车很重要吗?这算是你的目标之一吗？
不是很重要。房子住得舒服就可以了，车也不要最好的。自由舒适才是我的终极目标。

35.更爱自己还是家人?
差不多。

36.最开心的时候会和谁一起分享?
爱人。

37.你觉得后代教育什么是重要的？
健全的内心。

38.拿了年终奖或压岁钱后你想去干吗?
给父母买份健康保险。

39.你对现在的生活有什么感觉?
忙，但是为了不那么值得的事忙。

40.最想跟谁说对不起?
家人。以前很少和他们交流。

41.你会要几个宝宝?
两个或三个。希望他们不会太调皮。

42.最近一次大哭是因为什么?
和男友闹别扭，又听说奶奶有了高血压。

43.人在对一件事情产生惯性的时候该怎么尽快跳出来?
换件事。

44.被点名是什么心情?

如题。

45.你打过人吗?
打过。

46.你愿意为了丰胸每天去吃如肥皂一样味道的木瓜吗?
愿意。PS: 木瓜泡牛奶，再加点蜂蜜，味道还比较美的。

47.希望自己多大结婚?  
26岁左右。

48.真正懂得爱的时候是几岁?
一直都懂，但又一直不懂。

49.你最喜欢别人叫你什么?
一般人都叫我学名，也习惯了。

50.感情对你的意义是什么?
必须品。

为免继续浪费大家时间，就不点他人了。谢谢小娇同学的关注。

Chilly days remind me of a lot——

The snow surprises us out of bed in the early morning,

The icicle hungs from the eave in the evening,

The pond freezes at night;

The candle burns inside our desk radianting heat,

The ice melts in our hand infront of our greedy lips, imagining it being icecream,

The ducks swim in the water, not aware of the coldness;

The naughty boys never have clean clothes, clean noses, or clean teeth, using their phlegm and tooth moss as glue,

The soft, pretty and smart girl leaves even before the class is over, with her red nosetip and eyes, and fingers,

The wind blows madly through the ancient trees at the middle of night, haunting the owls in their shabby nest;

The charcoal fire burns noisily in the middle of the crowd, sending out flakes,

The kettle stays unmoved by the ecstatic flakes, cold and quiet,

The deep, noiseless night seems never end;

The space between mom and dad is really warm and secure,

The red coal fire shines on our faces,

The song sings in my mind——

Home, sweet home!

坐194路公交车沿西湖西岸到钱塘江，路过一处景点，公交车广播报站为虎“páo”。我初来乍到，自然不知其中究里，只觉得这páo和平时看得眼熟的“跑”字音不一样了。车停时，看到一只景点标识牌，上面画有一只回头望天的小老虎——难道是被误读成了咆哮的“咆”么？

于是回来查“虎跑”。首先确认这字是“跑”字不错了：虎跑泉处石碑为证。关于虎跑泉的来历，抄一段百度吧：

这虎跑泉的来历，还有一个饶有兴味的神话传说呢。相传，唐元和十四年(819)高僧寰 中(亦名性空)来此，喜欢这里风景灵秀，便住了下来。后来。因为附近没有水源，他准备迁往别处。一夜忽然梦见神人告诉他说：“南岳有一童子泉，当遣二虎将其搬到这里来。”第二天，他果然看见二虎跑(刨)地作地穴，清澈的泉水随即涌出，故名为虎跑泉。

咦，难道这再常见不过“跑”字还曾经是通假字不成？！好奇得很，于是又查了新华字典，这才知道，原来这公交车广播真是有学问呐！

“跑”字下有两种读音，其一自然是pǎo，其二则为páo，意指走兽用脚刨地：跑糟（牲口用蹄糟根）。虎跑泉（在中国浙江省杭州市）。

虎跑泉，龙井茶。这杭州人确实会生活。

It has rained over a week without a stop——

The waters has kept on rising like the sorrow in my heart.

You phone me everyday, that's true,

      But too many times we talk,

It ends up with a fight.

You, the boy who used to be so near and dear

       to me, the girl who used to feel such secure and treasure

in the definition of 'us', which used to seem so sweet and pre-decided, in a way like

       how you fancied in one of the cards you sent me, that

       Our meeting is the ending of a story happened half a millennium ago, when

the girl singing in her boat, collecting the lotus seeds

       missed one seed that had

admired her for his lifetime,

       Also it is the beginning of a story that shall end in a forest of white jasmine that

indulging in the warmth of sunshine;

Suddenly turn another face to me,

       a face that is so dark and cold,

breaking all the lotus seeds, withering all the jasmine blossoms.

Indeed we fight in the way a couple shall fight:

     The conclusions come out that we agian are reconciled.

Have you ever noticed that, however,

    Reconciliations are scarred wounds. Next time we fight,

It hurts even more.

You said you've found out what the real problem was between you and me,

      and only if I become more tender, you will feel much better.

Then it comes my turn to complain, that why cannot you behave softer

      so that I will follow you after...

The quarrel goes on without an end,

      as if neither of us intend

to bury the hatched.

We have a problem, we do.

A monster that brings many romances their waterloo,

   by the name of selfishness, stuffing men and women into heartless fool,

   has aimed at us, too.

按农历算，今天就是我生日了。

我这个贪心的人，一年要过两次生日，一次农历的一次公历的，如此人们就不会因为不习惯看农历而错过给我祝福……事情渐渐发展，给我过农历生日的人与过公历生日的人出现了一个有趣的分野——家人和最老最亲近最铁实的朋友，以及比较怀旧的人，归到了农历阵营；结识不久的新朋友，以及不习惯用农历的人，直接奔向了公历。这样一来，农历那天的生日，就似乎成了甜美的私密聚会。

今天过得不错。凌晨零点时，是大狐狸的祝福短信伴着入睡的。一早起来，就收到高中好友的短信祝福。这里短信还没有回完，就被大狐狸用惊喜连连重击两次。下午与导师的会谈也没有想象中那样恐怖。晚上和院研究生会的同僚们很豪放地吃了顿散伙饭，暗地里也当作自己的生日宴吧！饭后回来上网，发现一年半前断了联系的挚友，居然发过来一张可爱得要死的电子贺卡——贺卡可爱不可爱倒在其次，重要的是她告诉我，她还活着而且愿意理我了。连绵了三天的阴雨天气也终于放晴了。另外，昨天打电话回家时，就得到了让人振奋的好消息：奶奶的身体健康状况又好起来了……

最后，我也祝自己生日快乐。生日，有生之日；快乐，大小狐狸和亲爱的人们都快乐！

Holly昨天来信，祝我节日快乐。她说，所有童心未泯的人都应该过昨天的节日。

很遗憾，我没有过。我只是头昏脑涨地出去丢了几十块钱，就心有余悸地回来，躺倒便睡去。估计是因为前段时间熬夜过多的缘故，开始出现早衰症状。

今天，打开Holly的来信，心里一震。童心未泯，多么美好的词！猛然间想到自己小时候，穿着粉红色的泡泡裙，光着脚丫，跟在一群男孩子后面去抓蜻蜓，头顶上是正午明晃晃的太阳。于是笑了，于是找了一部早就想看，却一直因为这样那样的原因没有看的动画片，《龙猫》（我更喜欢它的英文名字，My Neighbor Totoro）。中午浅浅地睡了一会儿后，便起来，专门看动画片了！

片子结束时，外面操场在为晚上的晚会试音。是一个小女孩的声音在唱。听着听着，我的眼睛就哭起来……

在这样的情况下，通常有三种思路可供选择。其一，悲春伤秋，感慨时光流逝匆匆，而自己一事无成；其二，追古思今，总结规划，展望未来；其三，上述两种之混合。

可是我不想走以上任何一种思路。我切开一只木瓜，看到它淡红色的瓤和颇似虫卵的黑色的籽，欣慰地知道自己挑的是一只好味的木瓜；我细心拨净黑籽，静静地舀出熟透的红瓤。

要过节，就什么也不想。

课间，老师提到“人间一股英雄气”句（为电视剧三国片尾曲中歌词）。为何提到，已忘却，颇汗颜；但提到后，想到什么，却始终记得：

房檐上搁着高音喇叭，从早到晚播放三国片头片尾曲的张飞庙。

隔江相望。

路过轮船拉得长长的汽笛声。夜间行船上射出的笔直的探照灯光柱。随江涛起伏的信号灯。船舷边飞舞的萤火虫。

“不论当初是如何艰辛困苦，在现在看来，过去的一切都沉淀为美好。这实在是一种自恋——在那里渡过的，是往昔，是自己的美好时光。”在午后金色的阳光中，我兴味正浓地翻看着校庆纪念册上的老照片，听着一片蝉声中有童音在唱：“有个小弟弟呀，吞下了西瓜子呀……”醉酒一般，痴痴地这样想着。

迁徙。我们不仅离弃了家园，也离弃了记忆。

'No nation can last, which has made a mob of itself, however generous at heart. It must discipline its passions, and direct them, or they will discipline it, one day, with scorpion whips. Above all, a nation cannot last as a money-making mob: it cannot with impunity,--it cannot with impunity, --it cannot with existence, --go on despising literature, despising science, despising art, despising nature, despising compassion, and concentrating its soul on Pence.'

Ruskin, detail of an oil painting by Sir John Everett Millais, 1853–54; in a private collection.

"Ruskin, John." Online Photograph. Encyclopædia Britannica Online. 3 Mar. 2008  <http://search.eb.com/eb/art-31705>.

Last Friday a man from HK, who is good at selling luxury goods, came to give a lecture on his work and, more importantly, to promote the project he is running. He turned out to be very popular, so popular that his audience was larger than that of any lecture i have ever attended.

Wasn't it curious? So many students being interested at the marketing of luxury goods. Yet more curious was how sincere the audience were when seeing the pictures of those stuff. Remember here is one of the leading universities in China! Where would the students lead China?

I don't try to condemn the luxury as evil. Deep inside it bears the persuit for perfection. And, as some people put it, the world is colorful, and those who worship luxury goods have their right to exist. What I am worrying about is that the world is becoming monotuous, and the people are all becoming money worshipers. The students of this university, who are expected to be the backbone of nation, are so feverishly fond of the 'superficial feeling of privillege'(the lecturer's words) brought by the numbers marked on the labels, isn't it ringing an alarm?

多少人曾在你生命中来了又还。

我要做个快乐的人。如果这句话听起来像海子的春暖花开，那么，请海子离开。我不愿将一捧鲜血交付泥土，而激起万千疑惑和嗨叹。

今天我看到有人回来了又走了，有人走了，于是有些忧伤。

Sailing，如果我不是为了找到洛水的地址，而去到我那被废弃的旧博客，我怎么知道，你来过？Sailing，Sailing，为什么你又不来我的新空间看看，看看我为你写的字，给我留下只字片语，让我能够真正释怀？！Sailing，Sailing，Sailing，消失了这么长时间的你，还好吗？我不问其它的，我只想知道你还好吗，我和你说过，我们就是我们，不管谁谁谁怎么样。

诗人走了。他在QQ签名里感谢曾经给他回忆的人。诗人让我想到海子，虽然诗人不像海子那样脆弱，但我还是觉得他像海子。诗人，你要到哪里去？我很想挽留你，但是，谁有权利挽留决意离开的李叔同？施主，此人已非彼人，还是请回吧。面对妻子的泪眼，他只是旧时的躯壳，内里是陌生的灵魂。

我无法挽留。我无法阻止忧伤。但我还是要做个快乐的人。

茜茜，我们还是要做快乐的人。

"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life . I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not ea t bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me bac k the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..." 

                                                                                                                                                  ------- Little Prince 

i talked to her for the first time on the school bus heading to the old campus, to enjoy the welcome performance for us, the freshmen. everybody had got friend beside to talk with, except her and me. i did not know what had happened to her; people were talking that she had done such a good job in high school that she did not need to study in college, which was, most probably, because of her sleeping in class. but i didn't believe it. i could read saddness and loneliness in her eyes. i took the presumption for granted, that she was the only one on the campus who stayed unfortunately as disappointed, timid, and miserably as i was. the bus was driving on, the setting sunshine felt warm. i decided to begin a talk with her, and i did that, with all my courage then.

it seemed so natural that we two became very good friends. we, two forgotten poor creatures, established our own kingdom. we studied together, we ate together, we spent our spare time together. we held our hands together when walking around... we did all the things necessary for being doubted as lesbians.

were we lesbians? i could not answer it. but i was clear of another fact, that what was confusing me was not only sexual identity. and i thought it was the same for you.

we spent the whole semester together, like two fishes moistening each other with their tears, until suddenly he rushed into my life.

he was really unexpected. i tried my best to keep him away from me, but still could not resist his sincerity. finally i gave up. i took him into my life and you were to lose me. but you seemed not being aware of it, or, you were quite aware of it, but you were too kind to show it. you stayed supportive all the way. you were always smiling, smiling, smiling...

the following years only recorded how we became stangers. you moved out of the university for a more friendly environment--one's own desks and chairs were definitely more friendly than hostile classmates. we didn't had many chances to talk when you were living next doors in the dorm, and we were to miss that poor chance after your moving. before you moved, i talked with you about your difficult situation in the dorm. i kept on blaming your timidness, with the same attitude i adopted when complaining about your being considerate to everybody. you nodded, with the same saddness in your eyes everytime you felt embarassed to ask your things back from someone who promised to return it within a week but kept it after a month and pretended to have totally forgotten its owner.

i guess i blamed you about your timidness too more. you are not me. you are much softer, much much softer. you don't understand that you can stand up, or stand on your toes, or even jump up to get the apple you want. or, you even don't want any apple. all you have was tiny eyes with dark, dark eyelashes, and smiling  lips that could not say any word of desire or anger, and a heart to give. ii am not so simple as you are. i felt that, and i tried to help. but i did it all wrong. after pulling myself all together, i started by doing everything for you. inevitablly i became tired very soon. i once wrote you a letter but i didn't send it. i wrote, i am very tired, feeling like a soldier fighting at the front alone to protect who i care. i feared that those words would hurt you. i changed my strategy.

I tried to pull you into my self-changing plan. I encouraged you to give presentation in the class, I took you in our drama performance, and I dragged you to work hard for better marks. And you, as always, followed me without any complain.

I could have changed you if I did not stop that early, but I did stop, not because of him, don’t put the blame on him, but of the boy who was chasing you, because of my vanity and jealousy. I had a crash on the guy for a while and he had always been very nice to me. I could not tell him though, for the same reason that put all the sparks of affection off in the past. Neither could I take the future of you two being together. How ridiculous I was, refusing the boys after me and keeping silent in front of the boys in my dreams, while wishing that they would stay single for life. I knew it was ridiculous, but vanity and jealousy killed me. Keeping away from you was the only way for me to go.

He still likes you very much today, I can tell it. But I cannot make it sure. You are nowhere to find. I don’t blame you for not contacting with me, not at all. Because I had been feeling sorry to you but I just could not tell, until I got drunk when our class were having our last feast together. I accumulated enough conscience to walk to you and swear that our relationship shall not be harmed by any man. I embraced you with tears, did you feel it? Or, what did you feel? To tell you the truth, I felt that I was struggling with despair. I knew that our relationship was harmed by me, that our relationship had died long ago when I decided to accept him, when I kept distant from you for another man who I would not want, and when I made you feel being deserted like some tools that were no longer useful.

I never meant to. I never took you as a tool. I wanted to be a real friend. But, dear, we are so different. I could not take any life like yours, following your mother all the time. I don’t like feeling that I am changing you.

I hesitated all the time. Who knows being simple and free of desire is not right? Where can I get the right to decide what kind of life you should take?

Never mind, dear, if you want a life different from mine, it’s all right for you to go. I will not forget you, and I am very pleased to explain to you why.

Remember the same question you asked me about our textbook, the paragraphs from Little Prince? You were not clear of ‘being tamed’, and I explained to you with anger. How could you say that you didn’t understand it? It’s just the way the friends feel for each other!

Before meeting you, for example, the cakes made of mung beans were only cakes to me, nothing else. After the night I bought some of the cakes for you, however, they were different. Every time I see them or think of them, they remind me of you. Because I was tamed by you, like the fox that was tamed by the prince.

Simon, you know what, i am downloading the songs we listened together during those days. i am trying to catch you in those lyrics and notes, the guitar, the drums... i really miss you.

how can you send such a short text messege to me, claiming that i am one of your good friends, while during the days we stayed together, you kept being cool for most of the time? it had been difficult for me to say goodbye, when the day of graduation was coming closer and closer, and you were becoming dearer and dearer. we sat on the stadium of the gym. the night was falling. the workers were busy controlling the huge machines at the construction site not far away. the light at the top of the gym was on, shining on the people taking exercises on the playgroud. i cann't remember what we were talking then, but i can tell that you were quite worried about the future. the wind began to blow, and it became cold.

i really regret not saying goodbye to you personally. i was too busy saying goodbye with friends, friends' friends and friends' friends' friends... until the night when i left the campus, you were standing at the crossroad in your green T-shirt and your long hair on shoulders--i suddenly realized that i must have hurt you. i suddenly realized that you were inside soft and nervous while pretending to be indifferent to everything.

i knew your secrets, that you were hurt somehow by her, who you have taken as your best friend since you met each other, and who seemed to have forgotten you after getting drowned in love. you felt lonely, so lonely that you dare not open your heart again. and i tried very hard to be your friend. you saw it, you felt it. but you dare not accept it. When you decided to tear down your mask, it felt too late--i have always thought that it was how our time passed.

Dear Simon, when i am collecting the songs we listened together, i found another side of the story. I found that you'd tried to be a friend to me, too, when you shared the album of Don Mclean with me, when you offered the album of Pu Shu to me, when you sang the songs of Switchfoot on your bed above mine, when you recommended Gone to me... i have always been putting the blame on your timidity, but now i begin putting it on my coolness.

I'm SORRY, Simon.

The Days with Simon: Don Mclean_American Pie, Pu Shu_Mom, I, The Cranberries, Switchfoot, Tank_Jessica, Daniel Porter_You Had a Bad Day...

终于改完了四个班的作文！上网溜溜，看到我认识的城市们依然在争吵。

"十大快乐城市，成都杭州居首"。离开成都，转眼快半年了。这标题猛然唤起关于那个午后的回忆：我和丹在寝室，初夏的阳光透过窗户照进来。我们躺在床上不着边际地闲聊，而我一边还在看《读者》上的一篇小文章，讲述杭州荣膺“中国最具幸福感的城市”。于是我就说，我以后要到杭州去。丹说，我不去，那里房价太贵了，我们家duidui买不起。我一下闭了嘴，因为不知道该说什么。转眼间，倔强的我来到了杭州；可我离开的那个竹影翳翳的地方，突然变成了最好的——幸好我来杭州，并不是仅仅为了满足当年“要最好的”小女孩般的虚荣！

转过身，重庆和成都依然在争吵，谁是西部第一。当然这又让我想起初次去成都的路上，听司机放磁带，讲散打的李伯清在一本正经的说，其实现在成渝分家了，大家联系却是越来越紧密。成都的男娃儿都想找个重庆妹儿，重庆妹儿也开始觉得成都男娃儿顾家，多好的……当时汽车行驶在成渝高速上，同行的我们，各自怀着各自的心思，很安静，很安静。

想念成都，也想念重庆。而且我知道，如果我离开杭州，我也会想念她。一直都是这样子，刚来到一个新的城市时，只顾着沉浸在对旧城的无限怀念里。当日子渐渐流逝，自己的生命一天天融化在这个城市里，偏爱也渐渐给了她。离开时，看着自己某日曾走过的道路，猛然热泪盈眶。于是，这个城市便在心里留下难以磨灭的影子。朋友说我，你是一个不易改变的人，但一旦改变，你将愿意为对方守候一生。这话，也对，也不对。对于这些事，我更愿意理解为是本能的自怜自惜。往日有多美好？但滤过繁琐恼怒的往日，就是美好的，因为那里面有你的过去的时光——正因为如此，最美好的往日，是风华最茂之时。因为那是我们生命中最美好的时光。

哎呀
时光真疯狂
我一路执迷与匆忙
依稀悲伤
来不及遗忘
只有待风将她埋葬

混沌了将近2个月。生病，度假，生病，懒散。我的列车早已脱轨，而且越冲越远。现在是回来的时候了。

我还有梦想没实现。我还有很多戏没写。我还有很多地方没去。我还有很多照片没拍。我还有很多朋友没见。我还有很多人没疼。我还有很多点心没吃。我还有很多画没画。我还有很多电影没看。我还有很多歌没听。我还有很多话没讲。我还有很多日子没过。

我的脑子里的想法，还停留在半年前的状态。人生，世界，文学，社会——这些话题，上课时听旁人的讨论，觉得肤浅无聊；但要自己提出意见，却无话可说。原来我已经出走很久了。

我现在回来，认真生活。

How dreadful it is! I have been feeling sick for one month, getting infected at the nose, the throat, the stomach... I cannot keep my life normal anymore--it feels like that everything is rotting, everything is tired and weak: the college, the fruits, the canteen, and me! Alas, God save me from this meanness!  It's not the life I deserve!